Why I don’t enjoy celebrating my own birthday. Is it ADHD or something else?

As I face a significant birthday this weekend, I have been trying to explain to people around me, why I don’t enjoy or want to celebrate my own birthday.

It’s not because I have trauma, from a horrible birthday, or that my family forgot my birthdays, nor do I come from a background or belief that doesn’t celebrate them.

I think, it is partly to do with ADHD and the huge rollercoaster of feelings and emotions we deal with, beyond the norms of our neurotypical peers.

“There are many reasons why you might be sad on your birthday (some may not be directly related to birthday blues) but it’s important to explore any past events or present situations that may have occurred that could lead you to feeling unhappy. 

These may be: 

• Fear of aging or anxiety about mortality
• Grief over the absence of a loved one during the celebration
• Unresolved past trauma or negative experiences tied to previous birthdays
• Existing mental health conditions that amplify emotional sensitivity
• Societal pressure to reach certain milestones by a specific age
• Expectation to feel happy or enthusiastic about birthdays, even when you don’t

It is, of course, not all people with ADHD. I have one child who loves being celebrated on their birthdays, and once child that doesn’t. We have always made birthdays special but also tried to meet them where they are at, and celebrate how they want and feel comfortable with” Source

I think there is definately an element of these things for me, that have definately increased as I get older. I also think that my childhood experiences of birthdays, whilst not traumatic, being different from many of my peers, friends and family. I was at boarding school for most of my late childhood, due to my father’s job and my sibling and I being at boarding school to ensure we had a consistent education when my parents were travelling or living away from the UK. My birthday always fell during term time at school. It meant that I was not with my family, and although my parents sent cards, I didn’t get gifts on the day. I would be able to speak to them on the phone, but not much else. We didn’t have parties at school, although there was cake for us. Friends would make a fuss, but it always felt a little flat and another day to get on with. I think that has stayed with me into adulthood.

As a result, for me, my birthday feels like just another day. I don’t enjoy the fuss but feel like if I refuse the fuss other people want to make, that I will hurt or offend them, when they are just trying to show me they love me. I don’t like setting expectations because I might be disappointed I also don’t enjoy big parties or surprises so that makes planning something for me quite hard. I prefer to choose my own gifts or make sure people know not to spend lots of money on me. I feel the pressure of other people wanting to be happy to celebrate me, but I just don’t like the celebrating.

Birthdays feel like a lot of work and navigation for me. I wish I could feel more joyous about celebrating me. I hate making people feel like I am not grateful for them loving and wanting to be nice to me.

I love celebrating others and their birthdays, and making a fuss and of course, not all of us with ADHD don’t like our birthdays or celebrating them. I have one ADHD child who happens to love birthdays and being celebrated. My other (waiting to be diagnosed but we are pretty sure) is like me and prefers little fuss. We have always tried to celebrate their birthdays how they want, and always will. I get it now, because of how I feel.

What I would say, to you if you wanted to celebrate my birthday with me, in a way that I can manage and not feel like I am being ungrateful or a misery. 

• A coffee or lunch somewhere, so we can catch up but no fuss, no cake being served.
• A walk or a visit to somewhere we can enjoy
• A text message or an email. I really don’t want to talk on the phone. Please also don’t video call me
• Donate to a charity in my name and tell me you did it
• Bring me kittens (kidding, maybe!!)

Please don’t:

• organise a surprise party or a big group event for me
• Ask me to organise my own event
• Plan a big group weekend away
• Make me stand up at work or in public and be sung to or congratulated
• Make me make a speech

Birthdays are just another day for me. Maybe one day, I will figure out how to keep the world happy whilst also feeling comfortable in the skin I am growing old in, at the same time…